I remember being equal parts lover and fighter from a very young age. My toys mostly consisted of babydolls and guns, so I was either changing napkins or in a pretend shootout with criminal assailants, sometimes even running with a plastic rifle in my hand with a baby on my back. Becoming someone’s mother has always been a part of the plan.
Stalking babies on the socials
I’ve always known I’d want to have my own family one day but I didn’t think I’d be on Instagram stalking strange women and their babies relentlessly.
I’ve been here (on my phone) for positive pregnancy tests, trimesters 1 through 4, pregnancy photoshoots, newborn photographs, “carried it for 10 months but it looks likes its father” memes, first steps, ABC’s and everything in between and I don’t even know these damn people.
Ashwin says he caught me looking in the mirror, sideways, with my belly poked out but I know he’s lying because I only do that when I’m home alone LMAO.
My sister is a mom
My sister recently went through pregnanacy and birth and meeting my nephew was so surreal. I’d known this little spirit and felt him move inside of my sister’s belly, so seeing him here in real life is always a beautiful experience. He’s just the right amount of perfect.
… but he’s fucking with my vibe. It’s like he needs a cousin and my womb just feels so ready to present him with one.
I have names picked out
I knew the level of broodiness I was experiencing was tipping the scales when I had the names picked out with certainty. I say her name out loud in conversation, describing the traits I think she’ll exhibit. She’ll have her father’s eyebrows and my curly hair (and rhythm) fingers crossed. She’ll be cheeky, ridiculously smart and the most beautiful girl in the world.
I heard the name in a song and funny enough, the name means patience (because I feel like I’ve been waiting and preparing my life to accommodate her). Ashwin has names for a boy (which we don’t 100% agree on) but I’m not even pregnant yet so we have time.
My uterus is screaming
If my uterus had vocal cords, that bitch would be screaming GIMME. I’ve literally (without any shame) written “My ovaries are scraming” under pictures of my friend Kim and her son Kayron. My friend Nomsa brought her son Qhawe to the office recently and I swear my womb started cramping.
I was surprised by the pain I felt in my lower abdomen and brushed it off to be something else but then my nephew was born and when I held him for the first time I felt the same thing.
It’s actually an unpleasant feeling like an emptiness just lingering like a gaping hole that needs to be filled. I burst into tears about the subject because everyone seems to have something else they think I should be doing before becoming someone’s mother.
There are literally pregnant women everywhere. I know this because I see that waddle at the mall, at the grocery store, while getting my nails done, at the pool, on Instagram and dammit I WANT IN.
Here’s to fertility in 2019
I feel like having a baby now is feasible but society is telling me that I need more to achieve. To all the moms and aspiring mothers, past or present, I wish you positive uterus vibrations. Here’s to a fruitful 2019.