Oprah Winfrey describes a woman’s intuition as “… more of a feeling than a voice—a whispery sensation that pulsates just beneath the surface of your being. All animals have it. We’re the only creatures that deny and ignore it.”
I was over at his place and for some reason unbeknownst to me at the time I just couldn’t get some shut eye. I tossed and turned and it was as though my body or mind wouldn’t let me rest because I needed to discover something. He and I had argued the night before and the fighting continued into the morning so he left his flat and I was there by myself and the incessant feeling that I needed to uncover a secret would not leave me. I looked in the bin and there it was, a used condom that he’d used with someone else, I thought I knew pain, I was wrong! Heartbreak is the most painful diet to go on, I’ve lost 4 kg’s this week alone.
In search of the truth
I had never been in this situation before so I stood there with proof of the betrayal like a slap to the face, I was dumbstruck. I always hear sad stories of infidelity and I’m always empathetic but I never thought it would happen to me, I’m not the kind of girl who gets cheated on. Like how?
My mind is overwhelmed with questions of who it could be, why he would do this to me, was he drunk (not that it matters), just question after question followed by non-stop crying and feelings of worthlessness and betrayal. I just want honesty, all the ugly details.
It’s not my fault
Who the fuck knows why men cheat, I certainly don’t have a single goddamn clue why. I just know it happened and now I’m stuck here questioning myself.
Am I not pretty enough, am I not exciting enough, is he no longer in love with me, what could I have done differently so that he would’ve felt compelled to remain faithful to me?
The answer is, it isn’t even about me, because ask anyone who knows me I’m actually pretty fucking amazing (and I send him random nudes) and no woman deserves to feel like she wasn’t good enough. There is nothing I could’ve done to have stopped it!
Where to from here?
I actually have no idea what I’m going to do. The thing about genuinely loving someone is that there isn’t a switch you just turn off when they’ve betrayed your trust. I’ve been searching for answers on Google and having conversations with friends and colleagues and although most of them hate him now I can’t definitely say that I don’t see the future him and I both spoke about for US.
Steve Harvey (who is a very fucking smart man) said that “Every man can change, every man will change, but there is only one woman he is going to change for.” I’m hoping he loves me enough to change and become a better man, but if not, I know I’ll be okay with or without him.
To everyone who has witnessed me cry in the taxi, walking over the Mandela Bridge to work, the graphic designer Les who pats me on the back when I burst into tears at my desk, at the gym, Xongani who had to endure my laughing through my crying on the plane to Cape Town this past weekend, at the checkout counter at PnP, Lerato who gave me advice in the bathroom while she swiftly pumped her breastmilk for her newborn son, the Uber driver Mpho who let me complain about my relationship woes, my mother who has listened to me sob every day for the past week, my sister Lauren who will always give it to me straight and my brother who offered to rearrange his face. Thank you for letting me vent, for making jokes, for reassuring me that I am indeed beautiful, that I’m a catch, that I’m amazeballs. I love you all.
Photography: Xongani Maluleka